Matricidio

I had the opportunity Saturday night to have dinner with some old and very dear friends.  It was a wonderful uplifting time with some of the best posole I've ever had the pleasure of eating.  Beyond that we had the chance to play catch up and to share with each other.  Our hosts were sharing the story about how they met.  It was a very sweet tale that included a real true blue love at first sight moment.  Both of these people shared with me that before they met they had "set" their lives.  Never did they believe that marriage was in their future.  In fact, the wife in the relationship had even coined the term "matricidio".  It is a combination of Matrimonio and Suicidio......the spanish words for marriage and suicide!  I like the image of her being a bonzai bride, diving into her white dress with a mortal fervor.

I suppose being a woman of a "certain age" I have truly become set in my ways.  My career demands that I travel a great deal and also requests a kind of selfish hyper focus that can sometimes build barriers in any relationship.  I'm also not the societal norm of beauty.  I know how to present myself and take pride in my appearance but I will never grace the cover of any fashion magazine.  Also the fact that at my age my chances of being hit by a bus far outweigh the likelihood of me donning the bridal veil, at least according to Cosmo.  These are little hurtles that sometimes make finding love difficult.  Of course, who am I to complain?  I've have some amazing relationships filled with passion and hilarity.  I've shared company with brilliant minds and witty rakes.  I've also suffered through about one million coffee dates.  Ron and I have a litmus test for coffee dates.  The success of the date is in direct proportion to the size of the coffee ordered.  Sadly, I've had my share of single shot espresso dates but once in a great while a venti will come along. I haven't been on a coffee date since the introduction of the famed Trenti at Starbucks....now that would be a red letter day!

The question resonates in me as to whether or not I truly want to get married.  After all if I really did wouldn't I have done it already?  I've never been one to take no for an answer and if I had attacked the marriage challenge with the same ferocity I tackled my singing career chances are I would have the opportunity to celebrate a 50 year anniversary down the line.  I guess I'm just waiting for the little spark of love at first sight.  That breath taking moment when your heart skips a beat and your mind reels with the whirring sounds of cupids arrows. I know "Mr Trenti" is out there.  When I find him you'll all be the first to know.  I'll be the one strapping on my Vera Wang and screaming "MATRICIDIO" all the way down the rose petal covered aisle!

~Mel

Roller Coaster

Grief is a funny thing.  It's a ride that one can't seem to get off.  I still feel wrapped in the outpouring of support and love from my friends and family. They are on this ride with me but it seems I'm in a car all by myself.  Frankly, I miss my Mother.  The exhaustion of the past year has come crashing down around my family.  I'm getting enough sleep and enjoying some down time in El Paso but the reality of the situation just seems to be looming in the shadows.  My life has changed.. dramatically.

The strangest things will set off little "moments" of sadness.  Today it was a stupid little grocery list that I found in a coat pocket of hers.  Seeing her handwriting just sent me spiraling.  My Mother had amazing handwriting.  I did not acquire this penmanship from her.  Mine looks pretty but is basically illegible.  Mom took great pride in writing notes and even signing her name on a check.  She would very carefully sign her beautiful name and it looked like a computer generated signature.  Gorgeous!

The roller coaster has fewer ups and downs these days.  There are more straight passages filled with great memories and new experiences.  But there are still deep valleys and I know that eventually I will rise out of them.

I'm sorry to the downbeat post today.  I'm using the blog as a tool to help me through this time.  It helps to keep a record of what I'm experiencing.  Maybe it will help someone who is facing a similar situation. I can only hope that it does.

Love,

~Mel

For Mom

I had the great honor of speaking at my Mother's service.  I've been asked by a few to send them a copy of it.  I thought you might enjoy reading it.  

For Mom:

When i think about my Mother so many words come into my mind.  Strength, courage, grace and compassion, just to name a few.  My Mother started me on many a journey and had the wherewithal to see me through some of those paths with the kind of super human support one can hardly express.  The first obvious path was that of music.  I remember very distinctly attending church choir for the very first time.  Mom explained it to me like it was a new exciting group of children i would get to play with.  I remember Mr. Wilson teaching me about the lines and spaces of the staff an I honestly don’t remember a time when I couldn’t read music.  That is because of my Mother.  Mom was my first accompanist.  This is a very special relationship that requires patience, strength, trust and a good sense of humor.  Mom played for every solo and ensemble competition I attended...we always got 1’s by the way.  She was there on that fateful day with Dr Margaret Forrest from West Texas A & M was my judge and inquired about my college plans.  Mom just smiled a wry grin and told me it was my decision as to where I attended school.  I chose WT of course, who am I to intervene with fate?

Mom helped me move to Philadelphia when I was accepted into the Academy of Vocal Arts there.  We walked that city for days trying to outfit my new apartment.  I mean really, where do you buy a broom in center city Philadelphia?  She stayed with me a week and helped me transition into a new phase of my life.  One that brought me not only a fine education but my closest and dearest friends in the world. 

She journeyed with me as i began my career. She once told me that all anyone needed to prove that there were angels in heaven was to listen to me sing. She cheered every new engagement, triumphal audition or milestone. Listening and comforting me when the realities of a life in show business just seemed insurmountable.  At one particularly difficult juncture, after years of knocking down doors and many nights spent in corporate apartments throughout the land I found myself pretty burnt out.  I didn’t particularly share the details with Mom but she knew I was growing weary.  She simply said: Well, Melissa, all you have to do is have a little faith.  This was after years of putting them through the rigors of the uncertainty of my profession.  She boiled it down so succinctly and whenever any darkness creeps into my spotlight i always call up her words as a talisman against negative and bleak thoughts.  

My Mother was a fierce supporter of Pam and I.  She truly was the queen of the Momma grizzly club.  She fought for us in a most elegant and graceful way. She was never overbearing or obvious with her fight.  She stood by us with a quiet strength that bespeaks of the true southern lady she was.  Often times her target wouldn’t know what hit them until days later.  She was that good. 

Mom took great pride in her appearance and ours.  She taught Pam and I the ins and outs of presenting ourselves in the best possible light.  She also gave us the power to develop our own personal style and wear it with the same pride that she had.  It is a gift that has benefited me time and time again. I am comfortable in any social situation because of the tools my Mother gave me. It may seem like an odd thing to cherish but giving a child the ability to be comfortable in their own skin is a gift that defies explanation.

Mom was also a social butterfly, in her way.  She loved people and events.  The chance to gather with her dear friends and family always brought such light to her life.  She cared so deeply for the ones she loved that many times I would catch her sitting and watching in delight as someone regaled them with a wild tale of adventure or funny story.  I loved watching my Mom go from table to table at a big event.  She seemed to float on air as she greeted everyone and caught up on the days comings and goings.  I watched her in awe at my sisters wedding doing this very thing while the rest of us were so tired we could hardly keep our eyes open.  She loved her friends, family and sweet sisters of Chi Omega with a reserved ferocity.  Words haven’t even been invented yet to describe the deep and unending love she shared with my Father.  Their life together is a testament to all that is right with the institution of marriage. They set a perfect example of love and delight for my sister and I.

Mom’s generosity knew no bounds.  She often bought items for people in the grocery store when they didn’t have enough money for the extras...like ice cream for a family that couldn’t afford it.   Our house is still flooded with calls from the charitable organizations that she gave too.  I remember as a teenager stopping to give a man a 5 dollar bill who was hungry.  Her heart knew no bounds.  She tried to impart that lesson to my sister and I.  Mom demanded very little of us but an open compassionate heart was at the top of the list.

Of all of Mom’s many gifts and talents my favorite was her sense of humor.  I’d like to think I have a little of that in me.  Of course, her timing was always better than mine and I could always count on her for a quick come back or an easy laugh.  I loved laughing with my Mom and I did it often.  For that I will be eternally grateful.  

Wilfred A Peterson wisely wrote about the Art of Living Forever:

...As you help people grow, as you work for peace, understanding and good will, your influence will merge, with the good influences of people of every age, and the eternal golden stream of God’s goodness..

As you throw the weight of your influence on the side of the good, the true and the beautiful, your life will achieve an endless splendor.  It will go on in others, bigger, finer, nobler than you ever dared it to be.

These words speak to the art that was my Mother.

Please know that she loved you all so much.  She’s here now going from row to row thanking you for coming and asking that you look after us.  

I love you Mom

Happy Valentine's Day!

As an adult I've always had an uneasy relationship with Valentine's day.  Cupid and I don't see eye to eye very often and our feud always seems to escalate around the 14th of February.  There was a time that I would send out black valentine cards.  I filled them with pithy poems fraught with sardonic rants about my romantic woes.  I eventually ended this tradition and embraced the holiday, choosing instead to send cards, cookies or a kind word to the many in my life that I do love.

Most of you know my ridiculous streak of dating European men and their sometime ignorance of the American traditions of Valentine's day. It's something about the accent, I don't know.  Anyway, one man gave me a virus protection program...still wrapped in the original packaging and presented in the Best Buy bag it was placed in at the store.  sigh.  Again, most of you know my love of wrapping and you can put just about anything in a beautiful box with gorgeous paper and I will swoon. I just smiled and thanked him for this most thoughtful gift. To him, he was caring for me and showing me love....in a VERY practical way.  lol.  Our relationship was never one of roses, stuffed animals or heart shaped boxes of chocolate.  I've had my share of romantic evenings and really cannot complain too loudly about my Valentine's days of late.

I realized that once I embraced all the love in my life,love of family, friends (FRAMILY), music, and my amazing city, that I would sign that peace treaty with cupid.  There has been peace for a few years now but I'm sure we'll get into it again at some juncture.  He's a fickle imp who sometimes just needs to be put in his  place.

Happy Valentine's Day all my loves!

~Mel

In My Mother's Closet

Hello Blogosphere!

Welcome to my little corner of the net.  I've created this blog to share with you all a journey that I'm undertaking as well as keep you up to date about the comings and goings of my travel and career.  The main focus of this blog, however, will be to share my feelings and thoughts on the past year of my life and how I'm a changed person because of this tremendous year.  As many of you know, my sweet Mother passed away on January 27th, 2011.  It was the culmination of a year of illness and surgeries that left my family feeling depleted and my frequent flyers miles plentiful.  Although it was the biggest challenge I've ever encountered I count this year among the most precious of my existence.  This doesn't mean I wasn't frustrated or angry some of the time, but rather that the moments I had with my family solidified the knowledge that I already had: My family is amazing.  Never have I been so blessed as with the outpouring of love and support from our friends, colleagues and family members.  It still astounds me and you should expect quite a few blogs about you all!!  Get ready!

The title of this blog relates to the hours I spent this year in my Mother's closet.  After my Mother had a below the knee amputation this summer the decision was made that a renovation was in order to the back of the house. This would entail removing everything from the back walk in closet and bathroom.  I truly believe my Mother's closet was the 10th wonder of the world.  I have absolutely no idea how she had everything she had in there...IN THERE!  Years and YEARS of beautiful treasures were carried from the back of the house down the long hallway to the living room.  Our living room is perhaps the largest room in the house and her closet the smallest.  The living room was busting with items by the time we emptied all of the contents of that clown car of a closet.  It is one of the great mysteries of the world. How on earth did she made everything fit?  At any rate, when she came home from the rehab center it was the height of El Paso summer, beyond hot.  All of her clothes were on racks or laying on the many sofa's in the living room or in big rubbermaid bins.  We set her up in my room during the renovation and everyday it was my duty to "find" something for her to wear.  Bless her heart, her choices were limited at first because I simply couldn't locate anything!  Eventually I found a cache of summer items that seemed to suite her.  This went on for weeks.  I would walk down the hall, trudge through the fashion and emerge with something that may or may not work.  Once she realized I could move around in there she would make requests.  Well, I did my best but I must admit to being frustrated trying to find that special pair of white pants in a pile of perhaps 10 pairs.  During this process I also spent hours with Mom in the living room going through every single item from the closet.  I think I knew her wardrobe better than she did by the end of the process.  We bagged up about 25 bags to go to a local charity.  BIG BAGS.  When the closet was done it was a thing a beauty.  My Father and I spent a long summer day, 110 in the shade, moving all of those clothes back to their new home.  My biceps have never looked better.  I helped to organize the best I could but I know that a few weeks after I left my dear Aunt Katy came and helped Mom put everything in it's proper place.  It looked amazing.

When Mom passed I had a hard time going into the closet.  I had to go in there for items that were needed in the house; sheets, towels and the like.  It still smelled like her perfume and I wondered how I would ever be able to go through all those beautiful clothes.  Mom was an avid shopper, I come by it naturally you see.  She was quite fond of elaborate and colorful jackets.  She had probably 100 of them.  As my sister and I tackled the shirts and pants etc...we left the jackets alone.  We just couldn't give them to our local charity.  By the way, 28 bags were picked up yesterday morning.  I asked my great friend Katie to come and pick what she would like from Mom's stash.  She picked some great items.  Mom and Katie shared a similar style and Mom has sent things to Katie in the past.  It helped that Katie was taking these precious clothes.  I know she will wear them with pride and think of Mom as she does.  It seems like a trivial thing but I know Mom would adore that Katie has those things.  She loved my friends as she did her own children.

My sister and I went through Mom's beloved jackets and picked out a few for ourselves.  My Mother was a tall and slender woman.  She would never have described herself that way but she took great care of herself and was a healthy size.  I am a tall and...well, not so slender woman.  lol.  Those jackets don't fit me at all!  But they will.  That is one of the journeys I want you to come on with me.  I'm not calling it a diet or a weight loss plan but simply operation flashy jacket!  Pam and I made the decision to take this road together.  Don't fret, not every blog will be about OFJ.  I promise not to whine about celery or low cal dressing.  I simply want to document this part of my travels.  i hope you will enjoy the ride!

~Mel