Hello from Tulsa Blogosphere!!! I'm writing you on the very eve of my opening of Gypsy. It has been a rollicking and active last few months and I apologize for letting my blog lapse. The title of this blog entry refers to a song from one of my favorite bands of all times. Honestly I could start a new blog based entirely on my teenage like frenzy I have for them. Those that know me well know this band is the magnificent Depeche Mode. Yes, I know, still.....I hear some groans from old classmates, but yes, they are my favorite and I'm stand behind every synthesized pop, squeak and wail they grace me with.
I'm here in Tulsa to sing Momma Rose for the first, and hopefully not last time. It has been a journey filled with angsty late night chats, sweaty rehearsals, sore feet and vocal gymnastics of the baritone variety. Who did he write this for anyway? Sherrril Milnes???? But I digress, this process has helped me on my grief journey is a really unexpected way. Let me tell you folks, being called "Momma" five thousand times a day kind of takes the sting out of cringing every time the word is spoken. It's like sensory overload. Momma this Momma that....it is endless. Even I call myself Momma about ten thousand times during the show. So I'm hear to tell ya, if you ever need to get over something just do it a million times and the pain will fade away.
I've spoken before about wanting to talk to Mom, wanting to dream about her and even see her again. There have been points in this process that I've picked up the phone to call her. I do that on just about every show. There is always that precarious day when I know that I can't do this. That I'm not getting it. That I'm simply not the right person for the job. Mom and Dad both have listened to me rant and rave about these little doubts my entire life. They both always listen and let me talk my way back to knowing that I can do anything I set my mind too. I've started talking to Mom more. I know she is listening. There was a wonderful movie with Robin Williams called What Dreams May Come. It dealt with the issue of loss in a unique and beautiful way. In one scene Williams, who had passed away, comes back to find his widow despondent. Every time he tried to be near her or talk to her the pain of his presence was so great she would crumble. The pain was too fresh and present. I think about this often as I can now talk about Mom without always tearing up, I can smell her perfume and think of the happy times and I can now openly and proudly speak to her about my joys and sorrows. The pain of losing her is still with me but I'm growing used to it. Time has allowed me to feel her near me again. That is a wonderful gift that I am so grateful for.
Well, on to trod the boards in Tulsa. I've heard every thing's coming up roses.....we shall just have to wait and see.
xo
~Mel
