As some of you may I know I'm currently in Detroit working on a wonderful production of The Medium. This is a role that I have performed before but not for many years. It seems it's a role for people in their 20's and those at the other end of the spectrum. I hope I'm somewhere in the middle of that wide timeline. Kind of like being a Medium in the midst of a small and a large. The role is much different at this stage of the game and I admit to having some trepidation that a 23 year old just doesn't have. That being said the range of colors and dramatic choices at my fingertips are astounding. Truly it seems as if I've just blinked and am now here working on a piece that gave me my start in this business. It's shocking to me that I've come to this point so quickly. I remember bringing my 23 year old experience to the role and now maturity and life experience has shaped my choices in such a different way. It's such a joy to get to do a role multiple times. I'm a lucky woman.
This process is not without its bruises. The subject matter of the show is harsh and the idea of contacting someone who has passed is a little too close to home these days. I'm also concerned that I won't be able to portray her to the fierceness that I want for the character. I need grandness, subtlety, strength, weakness, vulnerability and ferocity all wrapped up into 60 minutes of range breaking singing. It's a lot to ask of a person that quite frankly I don't know. I'm different. I work differently, I sleep differently and I view this process BEYOND differently. I feel weak. My core is crumbly and I can't seem to get enough air in my lungs at times. The hours outside of rehearsal seem to be filled with study and angst and the strange feeling that I'm not good enough. This is new territory for me. If I've ever been anything in my life it's confident. But this year pulled the rug out from under me and suddenly I look in the mirror and see someone who I simply do not know.
Ah such is the life. All actors have these moments of self doubt and distraction. I know this is a process and that I bring as much as I can to every rehearsal. I know that in the end it will be a journey and a successful one. But as much as we talk about the fortunate life I lead it is important to realize that I am only human and that the weight of this lifestyle can be stifling. It's funny to think of a creative job being so confining. When the soundtrack runs constantly and the worries of job security and reviews and image and God forbid art harkens at your hotel room door, the world can get very small. I've sacrificed huge portions of my life to sit and rock in this hotel room. Paths aren't always smooth or straight. It's time for me to get my 4x4 out and traverse this rocky terrain. Perhaps a dip in the pool will shock the system.
At the end of the day, life goes on, in a mostly joyous fashion. I look forward to reaching a little oasis, sometime soon.
~M
